Healthy, happy, productive families don’t just happen. They are the product of hard work, intentional behavior, shared interests, common values and patience. Many children growing up in the world today will never experience the nurturing warmth of a healthy family, and that’s a real shame because a healthy family serves as a launching pad for children. It has been said that healthy families provide their children two ingredients, roots and wings; roots to grow and wings to fly.
A number of years ago (1983) Dolores Curran wrote a book entitled, “Traits of a Healthy Family.” I’ve enjoyed the book and have referred to it throughout my career as a social worker and parent educator. That said, I have always taken umbrage with her title; “Traits…” because I’ve always thought of “traits” as something with which you are born.
Traits would include eye color, hair color, temperament, fast or slow twitch muscles—you get the picture. I think a more accurate description is the “characteristics” of healthy families. In truth, healthy families do share many similarities, but these similarities are not accidents of birth but rather are the result of diligence and dedication.
I’ve been teaching parent education classes since 1976. On June 17th of that year, I finished my graduate program at Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville. On June 21, my son was born. On June 22nd I distinctly remember carrying him out of the hospital, looking down into his tiny face and wondering aloud, “How do you keep these things alive?”
Shortly thereafter I began my career in social services, and it became readily apparent that I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t sure how to raise children, how to ensure that they feel loved a part of something special. Predicated upon my own discomfort, I sought out parent education opportunities and soon began to share my knowledge with anyone willing to attend a class. Over the ensuing years, I’ve divined any number of “characteristics” that help develop strong and vibrant families.
In strong and healthy families, everyone feels safe. This involves not only physical safety, but emotional safety as well. In healthy families, children are encouraged to express their feelings in appropriate ways and their parents model this behavior. Strong families understand that the notion of “unconditional love” is rooted in behavior. Let’s face it; sometimes it’s nearly impossible to “feel” love and warmth towards those in our family, but parents in functioning families understand that unconditional love is an active verb and they try and help children meet their developmental needs in positive ways rather than seeking to get them met through destructive behavior.
Respect is an important aspect of healthy families. Too many times, parents confuse respect with “fear.” They believe that if they can control their child, then the child is showing them respect. In truth, respect can never be demanded (that’s what fear is.) Respect can only be modeled and in healthy families, every member of the family is afforded respect. Here’s something to ponder relative to respect; when children are teenagers, they typically treat the parents with about the same amount of respect that the parents demonstrated towards the children when they were three, four and five years of age.
Healthy families believe in spending time together. Isolation can occur even within the context of a family if positive interaction is absent. Game nights, family outings, shared meals, and the like are routine practices in healthy families, because when family members are enjoying each other, the ties that bind are deepened.
Shared responsibility is a hallmark of strong families. Each member of the family is an important contributor to the general well-being of the family. This can be achieved through having children perform chores that help undergird the daily functioning of the family. When children feel like their “presence” in the family is essential to the well-being of the family, they internalize a sense of positive self-regard and their overall self-worth is enhanced.
Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in the daily routines of family—it is hard work, but being able to laugh in the face of the inevitable will promote bonding and attachment. Dishes are going to be broken; walls are going to get scuffed. The dishwasher is going to quit working and light bulbs will go dark at the most inopportune time. In healthy families, minor crisis are often the fodder for laughter rather than despair.
There are of course many more characteristics that help promote a positive family experience for everyone, but I’m running out of space today. That said, I’d like to add one more before I conclude.
In healthy families, seeking assistance is viewed as a strength rather than as a weakness. Vulnerabilities aren’t exploited by other family members, and each person in the family feels the support of other family members. And when family support alone isn’t sufficient, healthy families seek outside help to assist them in moving forward.
There would be many more healthy and highly functional families if indeed we shared some of the aforementioned “traits” in our genetics. The reality is, however, that there are no genetic traits that help make families strong. Rather, the development of strong healthy families is about the behaviors inside our families that we choose to embrace.
Tom Westfall teaches parenting classes at Family Resource Center.
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